The Fiver | A wildly unpredictable basket case outfit from Lahndan’s east end | Football

TERRIBO WEST

Cup an ear in the direction of east London, listen carefully and you can almost hear the mental cogs turning. Taken aback by the frothing rage prompted by the sale of youth team graduate Grady Diangana to West Brom, the West Ham hierarchy realise their need to embark on an exercise in appeasement by adding an expensive new acquisition to a squad that could also find itself a Declan Rice light. In a perfect world, they’d sign an overpriced, occasionally mercurial but flaky, unreliable and injury prone big-name foreigner, but having already cornered that particular market they discover there aren’t any left.

Who to sign, then? Well, having told Big Paper during the summer that he wants “to get away from a West Ham team that is soft” in favour of making them “harder and tougher”, it’s no surprise that David Moyes has instructed his bosses, the [snip! – Fiver lawyers] Brothers to try to secure the scrawl of teak-tough Burnley central defender James Tarkowski. The 27-year-old is pushing for a move from Turf Moor to increase his chances of earning himself an England recall by playing for a more fashionable claret-and-blue club and may take his chances with a wildly unpredictable basket case outfit from Lahndan’s east end.

While the central defender’s thoughts on jellied eels, cockney rhyming slang and pearly kings and queens are undocumented, a move to West Ham would seem rather at odds for a 27-year-old who said last week: “I am coming into my prime years and wanting to progress, I want to go for the top level.”

A man who played every minute of every Premier League game for Burnley last season, helping to keep 15 clean sheets in the process, Tarkowski was overlooked by Gareth Southgate when he picked his England squad for recent games in Iceland and Denmark. His omission surprised some, not least because Harry Maguire was sidelined with Mykonos-knack.

“I do feel a little bit like I’ve been forgotten about,” he said around the time West Ham submitted their opening bid of £25m to the Burnley bean-counters, only to be greeted by the pithy response of “James who?”. With Leicester also reported to be interested in securing his scrawl, West Ham todayincreased their bid to £30m.

Earlier this week, Sean Dyche said he would not be sold “on the cheap” and hinted the Turf Moor outfit might hold out for a whopping £50m. Having only just paid off the debt owed to Eintracht Frankfurt for their current record signing Sébastien Haller, West Ham will be hoping that if Tarkowski comes, he will provide a better return on their investment than the brooding, goal-shy striker. The Frenchman started last season at the club saying “when they spend an amount like that you know they really want to use you” and ended it with a series of unproductive cameos off the bench.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“The Alps, all of the famous ones – the Vuelta [a España], the Giro [d’Italia] – even some of the mad ones. They have a race in America called Dirty Kanza, which is proper grotty – gravel bike, dirty, camping in bushes. It will be absolutely class; I can’t wait” – Ben Foster, a 37-year-old footballer, has been talking to Ben Fisher and, apparently, watching too much Eurosport.



Ben Foster: grotty. Photograph: Neil Hall/NMC/EPA

RECOMMENDED LISTENING

The latest Football Weekly is here!

Football Weekly

The Premier League is back – Football Weekly

FIVER LETTERS

“Six cans of Tin a day? [Wednesday’s letters] For “research”? Sign me up. My current employer provides no Tin at all, frowns at my daily “research” and uses me as an example of ambitionless underachievement. I want to be a Researcher but right now I can’t be bothered finding out how” – Colin Reed.

“Has Harry Kane not been paying attention? Surely the point about Mason and Greenwood was that they were not, er, ‘feeling alone’” – Robin Hazlehurst (and 1,056 others).

Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Colin Reed.

BITS AND BOBS

The Premier League has insisted it has not rejected the Saudi Arabia-backed bid for Newcastle. Hooray!

Lucy Bronze has said her return to Manchester City was fuelled by a desire to be closer to the England set-up and for success as a Lioness. “It has always been my biggest goal, to win something for England,” she roared.

Transfer gong ahoy! Michy Batshuayi has returned to Crystal Palace on loan. And Jadon Sancho to Man Utd is [potentially] back on!

Premier League players will wear No Room For Racism sleeve badges throughout the 2020/21 season.

Gary Neville v Liverpool, episode 567.

Marcelo Bielsa is staying with Leeds, baby. “Everything has been sorted,” he chortled.

STILL WANT MORE?

The murder of his grandfather, living in exile and his fear as a child: read this unmissable Sid Lowe interview with Luka Modric, who is also pictured wearing some spectacular red trousers.

Check in on the women’s transfer interactive on the final day of the window, including Manchester United’s signings of World Cup winners Tobin Heath and Christen Press.

More Premier League previews for your viewing pleasure: it’s José Mourinho FC Tottenham Hotspur and West Brom.

Marina Hyde explains why she is excited for Project Restart Restart.

‘I hate keeping things in perspective. What I need is to completely lose perspective, and find myself bellowing “these squad deficiencies are the END OF THE WORLD!’



‘What I need is to completely lose perspective, and find myself bellowing “these squad deficiencies are the END OF THE WORLD!’ Illustration: Matt Johnstone

Louise Taylor on Callum Wilson.

Ben Fisher has the League One 2020-21 season preview, with added snazzy composite.

As Leeds prepare for their return to the top flight, Paul Wilson looks back at five memorable encounters for the club, from Arsenal in 1991 to Southampton in 1972.

Andy Hunter explains why Rhian Brewster is at a crossroads at Liverpool.

Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO.

“I W… W… WILL”


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